Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My vagina is officially offended.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
