Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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