There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
