His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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