I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Walk of Shame today included voting.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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