Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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