About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
