He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
