I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
