Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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