I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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