I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
