I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
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How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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