I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
