cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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