best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
