I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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