I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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