I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
