Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
did you just send me my own nude
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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