God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
