I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
