my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize