My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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