just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
