Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
