he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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