No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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