she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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