this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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