i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I queefed so loud it echoed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
