Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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