We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
