i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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