So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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