Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
