And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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