I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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