he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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