Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
