I need to stop coming to work sober
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
