she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
