Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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