I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
