I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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