What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
