If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
