my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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