i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
