i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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