So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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