There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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