I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
