tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
