I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
