Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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