fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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