Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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