She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
