I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
