i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
