he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
