No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old