I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i came on her dog
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
