Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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