Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
