Tell her she can't have a vagina
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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