I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
