my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
