my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
